.Realizations.

I haven't really made an actual post for a long time, so I thought I'd just let everyone (who cares to read) know some things I've been through and realized as of late. It'll be long, so you don't have to read it, but I do appreciate all readers and comments. Yay!

*Going through some experiences can be extremely hard and terrifying. This particular experience that I'm speaking of made me realize how much I need to increase my relationship with God and made me realize how many people are on my side.
For the first time I had numerous people actually come out and tell me they were praying for me. I was surprised at how many people told me that. I was surprised about how many people really do care enough for me to let me know they care enough to say a three second prayer.
I am very, very blessed to have such amazing people in my life. I can only hope I give back to them what they do for me.

*When you don't see your family for a very long time, it should be a good time to catch up when you do see them. Am I wrong? Well, listen up. When you have a family member come home DO NOT SAY ONE SENTENCE THAT WILL BRING THEM DOWN. Yes. One sentence is all it takes. Remember how you haven't seen them in a while? Do you even care? Think about it. You never know when you will see them next... if ever again. I don't know your meaning behind this, but to me it was harsh and cruel. It really hurt my feelings, and I would tell this to your face, but I know you well enough to know that you won't listen. Thanks a lot...

*I need more friends in Logan. Being confined to the Fine Arts building and working a lot doesn't help much with that factor. And sometimes I'm just too nervous to go up to someone and tell them that they have really cool hair, or something. I think it's because when I have done it people often just look at me weird.

*I got new rock climbing shoes, a harness, a chalk bag and chalk, and mukluks for less than $65. All equipment purchased was new! Love love. The guy who helped me out was pretty good looking, easy to talk to, and was someone I would definitely hang out with. And I'm sure he knocked down the prices a lot more than he was probably supposed to. What a guy, right? I went back the next day with my roommate, Kadie, in hopes that he was there, and because I had gotten such an amazing good deal, and Kadie needed a harness. Unfortunately, he wasn't there, and Kadie didn't get as good of a deal... Sad faced.

*Last weekend was wonderful. It was my "Fall Break." Meaning we got Friday off. (I feel extremely ripped off that the U got a week off, and we only got a day, but a day was MUCH better than nothing. In a nutshell...
...The weekend started off with coming home Thursday night to an empty house... Yes, my entire family was gone. My parents and Rachel were in St. George, Liz was in Zion's National Park, and Kristen was on her way to her boyfriend's house. OK, at least my cat was there... Anyway, I went over to Shawnee's after she was finished with play practice. It was so fun to see her. Miss that girl a lot.
Friday consisted of going over to Korey's house and watching some scary movie in Spanish and then carving pumpkins. It was a blast. I haven't seen any of those people forever. It was great to see Korey, Jared, and Nichole, and to meet a few other people as well.
Saturday was completely random. The U game against the CO State Rams started at noon that day and I didn't have a ticket. I was thinking of how fun it would be to go, but was stuck at home with a bunch of laundry to fold and a music hx test to study for, while "Signs" was playing on the TV. I get a text from my friend Grant (at approximately 11:10 AM) wondering if I was in SLC and wanted to go to the game with him and our friend Jordan. What luck! So we all head to the game and watch the first half then head over (and sneak into) the MUSS for the second half where I was reunited with a bunch of friends I haven't seen since high school. So fun.
Shawnee's 1920's -- 1980's themed costume birthday party was that night so we all head to that. Grant being a 60's who-knows-what, Jordan being a classic boy scout, and me being an 80's workout instructor fully equipped with spandex and a leotard ...while changing on the way over. Hahaha, you had to be there. Good times. Shawnee's party was so fun. It was incredible to see the things people showed up in. The Village People even made a special appearance.
Then Mike's birthday party was after. I was convinced to go to the party then change after entering his house and asking for a bathroom... Wow. There were a lot of people there and I received a lot of weird looks. Good times. At Mike's party there were even more people I hadn't seen in a looong time and got to do a quick catch up with them. It was wonderful. At his party, I also went on a date with someone I just met. We had pictures taken of us. Pretty steamy if you ask me. Haha.
Yes, it was a fabulous weekend.

*This weekend was also so fabulous as well... Just a quick recap:
Friday I had 2 1/2 doctor's appointments, so I came down early to make them all on time. After the last appointment, I went and got my rock climbing equip! So good! And not long after that I got to go to lunch with Anna Doot!!!! I haven't seen her since this past spring. Wow. (The past two weekends I have seen a lot of people I haven't in a very long time. It has been so good!) It was so wonderful to catch up and tell each other what has been happening in our lives. She put her mission papers in and hopefully will get her call this week! After lunch we just went up to Tanner Park and did a quick photo shoot. I haven't looked at the pictures yet, but she is absolutely gorgeous so I'm sure I got a few pictures out of it. Love that girl to death.
Then Friday night I went to dinner with Jens, Alex, Ashley, and Nate. We ended up going to La Frontera. Mmm. So good. I, once again, haven't seen these people since I moved. I'm so glad they have been keeping in contact with me though. It makes coping with Logan that much easier. We ended up going to Alex's house after and my roommate Kadie showed up! Yay! We started watching the new Hulk movie but I was out within the first twenty minutes. It was really great movie...
Then Saturday Kadie, Grant, Jordan, and I went to lunch at Red Butte Cafe then on to the Body Exhibit! Grant left once we got to the exhibit... haha, you had to be there to understand, but it was a really cool exhibit. Long, but really cool. I was surprised how much I had remembered from the anatomy and physiology class I had taken four years ago.
Jordan needed someone to go to a dinner with him that night and couldn't find anyone who could, so I ended up going with him. It was a dinner at the U for people who are rich and donate a lot to the school and are awesome and such. It probably should've been more awkward than it was, but it was fun. Good food too. And his Grandpa was glad he went. Ha.
It was a wonderful weekend.

*Communication is key.

Well, here it is, the end. Sorry it was forever long, and I commend you if you read the whole thing. That is about how my life is right now... minus the fact that I am now very behind on homework, but after this Tuesday, hopefully, will be on top of it all!

.xoxo.

.emotionless.

On the inside looking out.

Motionless.
Motionless.
Motionless.


Emotionless.


Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Maybe it'll come. Maybe it won't.

It does.
Thought's flutter in and out of my mind. Trying to remain motionless. Emotionless. It doesn't matter anymore.

It's out there. You're in here.

How does one thing differ from another? Going around and around.
What goes around comes around.
(Or so they say.)


Who are these 'they' anyway?


The only one who will have to pay is me. That is, if all goes according to plan. What plan? No plan. That is, if all goes according to how life takes you. Where it takes you.

You only live once.

But it's out there. You're in here.
Standing.
Looking out.
(Wishing to be out.) Wishing to live.

Standing, motionless.

Motionless.
Motionless.



Motionless.




Emotionless.

Tribute

Today is one of my best friend's birthday.
Happy Birthday Shawnee (Kathryn) Kennington!

I first met Shawnee when we went out to dinner at Robintino's with Mike Parker and Tyson Ronnow, to celebrate Tyson's mission, and to wish him luck, as he was leaving a week or two after.

Some of my favorite memories have been (in no particular order):

When we play dress up.




Thomas Jefferson's 265th birthday party where we watched his favorite movie, "While You Were Sleeping."


Playing at Highland Park... even/especially when peddling was included!




And of coarse all the other wonderful times too...








Love you Shawnee! (All the way from Farmville.) ♥

Miss you.

.Ranell.

.September 2008.

.Ashley.

.August 2008.

Running

Running away. Running from the days past. Wanting to forget. Trying to run faster and faster, trying to get away.

It's following me.

I occasionally look back to see how far behind it is... Not far. I only expected to be much farther ahead than I really was. It didn't take any time at all for reality to set in.
Fight or flight. The "flight" kicked in and again off I went -- sprinting now. Faster than ever. It was falling behind, but was still clearly seen when looking back. I continue to clear hedges and press forward. I find myself running faster still, weaving in and out.

Did I lose it? Is it gone?
I slow down to a jog, catching my breath. Once again, night falls down upon the surface and darkness engulfs the world.
I slow to a brisk walk. Sounds of night life fill the air. My vision line decreases. Sounds are the only help now. Looking back over my shoulder, squinting to find any objects moving around behind me.
The wind picks up and blusters through the trees, making them howl. Confusing the moving branches and bushes as my follower.

Is it safe to stay put? Is it safe to rest just for a few minutes?

The sound of a twig breaking echoes from the direction I had just come from. I jump. My heart starts to pound violently and loudly in my chest. I can only hope no one hears it beating.
Slowly I peer around the tree I was resting against.

It couldn't be here yet. It just couldn't.

I view my surroundings where the sound derived.
Nothing.

I couldn't have imagined it, it was too distinct. I try and convince myself that it was only the wind's doing. All I want to do is just rest. I've been running for too long.
Too long running...
I want a break. I need a break.

The wind continues to play tricks on me as I continue to look for any sign of movement -- of any particular movement...
Nothing.

My hear rate starts to slow. I lean more confidently into the tree, noticing for the first time how rigid the bark was, cutting into my shoulder blades, but for now, it didn't matter. I slid down, now sitting against the tree. Again, I noticed for the first time just how much I had torn, ripped, and cut both my clothes and skin, but for now it didn't matter.
Nothing mattered except the fact I could finally rest.

My eyelids grew heavy quickly and fell shortly after. The next thing I remembered was the sound of the morning birds calling each other and the sunlight warming up my face.
I didn't want to move; my body ached. Just a few minutes more...

Off in the distance I, once again, heard the crack of a breaking twig. Much more alert, I cautiously look around. The aches and pains of my body seemed minor, but still present.
Even in the dim morning light, shapes of objects were much clearer than the night before. In the distance an extremely particular, all-too-familiar, shape rustled where the twig broke. Forcing my aching body off the ground I knew it was time to go.
It was early enough for me to get a good head start without being seen, but the sun was rising fast.

Maybe I'll be able to rest fully soon... But for now, I'll just keep on running.

The Past Presents the Future

The Past Presents the Future --
Looking back, moving forward.
Somehow, some way, things are all related. Always related.
Living life day by day.
They end up being intertwined and mixed together.
Relating back to days gone by, looking forward to days to come.
Soaking in all my surroundings.
Trying not to move too fast.
Living life to the fullest.
The past presents the future.
The choice is yours to what you do with it.
Make it nothing less that what you deserve.